Everybody is sitting around evaluating every person from the other side. The looks travel as if they were arrows to an enemy side with no consideration to the possibility that they may end up as one single happy family a few days later.
The conversation happens across multiple channels among multiple people at the same time. The elderly men are discussing their professions, the women are talking weather. The children are staring at the boy. The boy is not allowed to or supposed to or expected to feel overawed by the situation. Because he is the one who has asked to see the girl. That he has been told that this is the only respectable way to get married is conveniently sidelined by all concerned parties.“Hey you know, that couple had a love marriage” is actually a statement conveying social stigma and not a casual remark.
The girl feels like a film at the Cannes Film Festival. She has to win the award. Can a film go and tell the judges that I don’t like the award? Ha ha ha… You must be out of your head to have thought that way. Everybody is trying to critic the film from all angles. Afterall, it was nominated after a rigorous shortlisting process based on the visual competence [and supposedly accurate astological calculations] of its competitors.
The judge of the awards function is not a single person. If you thought it was the boy alone, then please pinch yourself. You must be sleeping. Let me call him the PJ [Pseudo Judge] So, we are clear that we are dealing with a panel. The composition of the panel is dynamic. Whoever walks into the awards function on that day at that time is allowed to voice their opinion. India is a democratic country except for stray incidents like the Khushboo ones.
The members of this panel are involved right from the stage of shortlisting and nominating the film. The PJ is kept out of the pre-nomination process and it [Let's not call it "He" for literary effect] is supposed to be out of it. Mind you. So, can you now relate to the first statement that, “he is the one who has asked to see the girl”?
Well, we haven’t delved into the psychology of the film under the lens. The film is definitely not comfortable with the process. It has never seen its judges before. Neither does it know the parameters that will be applied to give it an award. Since the PJ and the film have only a few minutes [How many ever minutes you want as long as it's not too long!] together, they talk about various aspects. Well, yeah, now the film is allowed to talk.
More often that not it’s the PJ who is asked whether the film can be selected or not. Yeah, the film is back into “Mute” mode now. When the PJ decides against selecting the film for award immediately the PJ is exposed to a barrage of questions.
Was the cinematography all wrong?
Did you decide only based on how the film looks?
Did you try to know the film?
And now welcome to the best question:
How did you decide all that within that much time? [Accompanied with popping eyes and wide open mouth!]
The best question often comes from a female member of the Panel. [Okay. Cool. That's just an observation. Let me be entitled for such small things] This member would be under the impression that since she received the award without speaking a word after going through so many festivals, how can you decide on Not giving an award?
Cut from the Film festival scenario to the real world
I don’t have answers to any of the questions. Spending a lifetime is sometimes not sufficient to know a person. To decide whether to spend the rest of your life with someone you saw for half an hour sounds absurd, doesn’t it? But that’s how it works. As any elder would tell you that’s how it’s been working and it works bloody well.Like some other practical & realistic people would tell you, that people of the current generation are too much into their work and get exposed only to colleagues so they have no time to meet other folks hence this is an easy way out – you don’t even have to think or make a decision!
Looks like you don’t have an option. But when you are saying “No”, whether you are the PJ or the film, it is something that’s not easily accepted by people around you. You immediately become someone who has a nose-in-the-air attitude. Finally, whether you marry based on this process or some process that you found on your own, the people are not going to stop talking and building their own image of what you are. Don’t care about them as long as you are sure you are doing the right thing.
Aditya,
an excellent piece in tongue-in-cheek way of saying things. Of course I can very well empathise with the PJ in questions because recently I was one too!!
Wonder what happened to me ‘I control my life’ attitude ;)
Love,
Shastri
PS: I took liberty to forward the article and here is one comment I got back from our good-old Majid. I take (some more) liberty to publish it here.
[Quote]
Indeed it is very well written, and yes I agree with the concept of deciding life partners based on a 30 min radevouz(pun intended pls). But I guess, we are in that stage of our lives, where we are left with very little options to find our own life partners(Assuming the subset available sbstantially reducing after College days) and all of us growing older really fast :)
Sad but true story….
Regards,
Majid
[/Quote]
Shastri & Majid:
We are all sailing in the same boat. Looking for someone who can jump into ours without taking the boat down! :)
The experience of finding that someone is not at all comfortable. It is tempting to predict that this process won’t last long since we are not comfortable with it. But as historical data goes against my gut feeling, I will leave the situation unattended! ;)
Thanks for your comments! Shastri, all your liberties are perfectly valid. Please take more such liberties. I will be glad :)
Hi Aditya,
Its very nice to see something like this coming from a guy. If all guys start thinking in these lines, I am sure this system can be overturned, as I feel that if guys and guys parents make the move, it would be much easier to bring about the change. It would save all the embarassment for both the guys and the girls.
Kanthi (Shastri’s Colleague)
Kanthi:
The resentment towards the process is inherent everywhere. The parents are gung-ho and the children are like oh-no!
I don’t know if it will work if only one side makes the change. The change needs to come across on a co-ordinated front. Maybe the trigger could be, as you say, the guys and their parents.
Hello..Shastri introduced me to your blog!
We Indians have it easy with arranged marriage…if all else fails, we have something to fall back on! Americans go thru hell trying hard to find that special ‘someone’, without ever understanding that no such thing as ‘made for each other’ exists. Rather it’s ‘modify for each other as suitable’!!
I think the reason arranged marriage works (inspite of seeing a person for a very short while only) is because you (& parents too) see not only that person, but also the family for 1-2 generations. That way, lots of info. is made available very quickly…much more than you can get in a year of dating!!!
anandanubhava:
I agree with you about the positives of the process. Especially when you compare it with the lifestyles in foreign countries.
You are right! :)
I liked euphanism used to describe arranged marriages. In my city there are a few families sticking to aranged marriages, but are also allowing the son the final decision of yes or no. My best friend and her husband were the first in their family to not only be “not arranged” in any way, but also interacial.
The way the article has a parallelism with film awards is pretty catchy! Nice reflection of what has been happening for quite some generations I would say!!! This is one custom which has not changed over the years! Maybe the only difference now is that the girls are actually allowed to say no! Good development as regards gender equality!!!
-Veda
Lisa:
Inter-racial?!! That invites a multitude of problems in India. Especially in the brahmin community, any marriage outside the community is viewed with extreme contempt. The Indian society needs to open up.
Veda:
Thanks for your comment! :)
Girls say “No”! Nobody allows them to do that!
You will end up in serious trouble if you keep using such sentences! ;))))) Just kidding
hey adi buddhi! If we use the ‘blink’ wala funda, maybe we can actually decide who our life partner is in maybe a few minutes… but we can’t get much practice before we perfect it, can we? ;-)
what do u say?
Vikas:
You are right!
The process totally relies on the “Blink” factor alone! There’s no time anyway for further detailed analysis!
[...] I have written about the first one here. [...]
I didn’t read any comments to this post for fear of colouring my judgment. Never mind if my comment is a repetition, or a poor imitation, of those already registered here!
This piece is very, very well written. I would suggest you take a chance and send it to the middles column of some newspaper.
The analogy of the prospective bride and Cannes Film Festival was funny!!!
Excellent writing skills:)
Anand Balaji:
This must be the most flattering comment I have recieved! Thanks!
Thankfully a sincere comment from a chap who doesn’t flatter to deceive!
Go for it!
[...] I went through an arranged marriage. Thankfully, I didn’t have to go through too many UKs (Uppittu-Kesari Bath, what it means will be explained later in this post or the next!). But I know of my friends who went through 20 or more before ending their search. In order to avoid so many UKs and to handle the whole process better here I present a few things out of my experience and my friends’ experiences. I am writing this to ensure that the shock factor, that is there while going through these UKs, is minimized. I will be glad if it helps someone out. [...]