Relationship, communication and mind-states
Have been reading a lot around the blogsphere regarding relationships and how we should handle them as well as ourselves in these relationships.
People have various ways of looking at relationships. Some people like categorizing relationships on basis of blood and otherwise meaning: family and friends. Some say relationships are strong or weak; close or far; “childhood friends” or “hi-bye friends”; so on and so forth. Categorizing makes for easy handling of this vast in-depth subject. And in most circumstances, the best way of handling it is through categorizing them relevantly.
A relationship is an equation between two people. The equation gets formed when the two start communicating. It can be through any mode of communication. Even just meeting of eyes is sometimes the beginning of a relationship. But then, no communication no relationship. Sometimes communication might happen, yet there might be no relationship. I don’t think such a situation is possible at all. Once I have communicated, I might not be thinking about it, but there is a relationship that has been initiated. I might not be aware of it.
As a person we are playing different roles. No, not the kinds shown by Aamir Khan in the toyota ad! With my wife, I am playing the husband’s role. With my younger brother, I am playing the elder brother’s role. And many others. Not that I am playing them consciously, it’s just that it happens. But there are states of mind that I get into while communicating in each role. These mind-states maybe different for each role. But they might not be unique.
Now, when I am in these mind-states the other person is also in these mind states only. I know I am talking on a very vague level, but let me say that there are 4 mind states (It can be 100 also). M1 to M4. Both the persons A & B are communicating from one of these mind-states. Say A is from M1 and B is in M3. If A & B know the mind-states that each other are communicating from, then fine. Otherwise, is where the problem arises from.
And to understand which Mind-state the other person is operating from, constant communication is necessary. Since every person is changing his mind-states constantly, it is necessary to understand the pattern of change also. Once we understand all these then the relationship will be a smooth one. For this, communication is a core necessity. Remember, no communication no relationship!
And yeah the way to solve the problems in relationships is to identify the mind-states properly and responding appropriately. That should put an end to all problems!
Wow Adi is so brilliant! Some stupid theory I have, I keep raving and ranting about it. I know this is very similar to the parent, child, adult egos of the ‘transactional analysis’ theory, probably this is my way of understanding that theory. I just wrote it and realised that it is very similar to the original TA theory. It’s the same “I’m okay, You’ re okay” theory.
Well, though I will be laughed at for trying to copy some well-known theory, let me state that I typed it as it came to my mind. And even though I found that it can be accused of plagiarism, I am going ahead with posting it. That’s because if even one person who reads this article, develops an interest in the TA theory then I would have emerged victorious.
Effect of KANK a? Don’t try to analyze KJ’s movies much ,or you will endup in posting something like this..
“No, not the kinds shown by Aamir Khan in the toyota ad!” LOL!! good one..
Now I’m playing the role of confused comment-writer after reading very confusing post.. What is this relationship called as per TA theory??
//And yeah the way to solve the problems in relationships is to identify the mind-states properly and responding appropriately. That should put an end to all problems!
//
well said u have a matuured outlook on life!!
sudhakar:
You see this girl named shubha below your comment here? This post was a direct effect of her short post on relationships.
KANK doesn’t occupy so much of my mindshare! ;)
TA doesn’t analyse relationships of people like you and me. Only sensible people are analysed! So, we are discounted! LOL! ;)
shubha:
Thanks for your comment! :)
Good post !! I’d rather say “Put yourself in the other’s shoes”. That makes matters easier..even though we get pissed off at times with our loved ones, if we really love them, we eventually try to think from their point of view and tend to forgive them even if they’ve done something wrong. But, as you’ve said if we’re able to find out the “mind-state” before itself may be we’ll mind our words too !!
pavithra:
Thanks for your comment! :)
Putting ourselves in the others’ shoes, yes, that’s as good as what I meant! :)
Let me explain: When we try to understand the other’s mind-state, slowly we are able to anticipate their next mind-states also. And when this happens, while communicating with them, we can slowly but surely speak to them in the way they want to be spoken to so that we can get our point across too!
And reg minding our words, well, bingo! Nail on the head!
Tried leaving a comment last night and had problems doing it. I could not understand the theory last night and thought that probably reading it during the day might help but no it doesn’t. For my tiny little brain, this is too much of theory. :)
What about Telepathy? Is that another mind-state or does it fall under the realm of Communication?
hardu:
Ignore it then! :) Even I don’t like theory!
sudhu:
Telepathy, astrology, etc. are all like this.
Once Raj Kapoor was asked to comment on a statement by Anil Kapoor saying that he was connected to the Kapoors. So, Raj Kapoor is supposed to have said, “Yeah, of course! By satellite!” LOL!
insightful post..
you have amply dealt with the whats and how-it-starts of a relationship. It would have been great to see the “how to keep one going” para longer, because it is far easier to start one, and far far diff. to sustain it.
the second-last para before the italics made the most sense.
PS: you are assuming that the spouse(B), when in a diff. mind state, would MAKE an effort to understand this person(A).. isnt “not doing so” also another mind-state? Did I make sense?
Looks like your brain is doing a lot of work these days. Analysing anything and everything.. from music to relationships…;-) way to go Adi!
pavan:
Thanks!
I take your feedback. Next time, while contemplating I shall think about ‘how we sustain a relationship’ and if I hit upon anything worth writing about, I shall definitely blog about it!
Reg PS: “Not doing so”…hmmm.. as a mode of action it is quite possible. But I wouldn’t define that as a state of mind, Mind-state. The mind-state would be not interested in the relationship. Whenever one wants to be in a relationship they do their best to understand the mind-states. It depends on each person’s capability to what extend they are able to understand and respond to those mind-states. But if they are not wanting to do so, then they are not interested in that relationship.
Thus spake the great RA Adi! (RA: Relationship Analyst!)
shark:
Because it has nothing better to do! LOL!
Thanks for your comment! :)