Arranged marriage for dummies – Part I
I went through an arranged marriage. Thankfully, I didn’t have to go through too many UKs (Uppittu-Kesari Bath, what it means will be explained later in this post or the next!). But I know of my friends who went through 20 or more before ending their search. In order to avoid so many UKs and to handle the whole process better here I present a few things out of my experience and my friends’ experiences. I am writing this to ensure that the shock factor, that is there while going through these UKs, is minimized. I will be glad if it helps someone out.
First things first:
This is not a search for a commodity where you go with a list of specifications in the market and find it. It is a search for yourself. Unless you know what kind of a person you are, you cannot and will never end this search easily (or worse might end up on the wrong one).
Talk to people you are close to and ask what kind of a girl they think will be right for you. Though they are speaking about the girl they are indirectly telling you what kind of a person you are. Instead of taking their ideas at face value, analyse what they have said and why they have said so. It will help you get a clear idea of what others think about you. And it is possible that your future lifepartner also thinks about you in the same way. Getting an idea about yourself is the key in getting this process right. Once you sort this out, the rest is just a matter of luck and time.
Let the elders do the matching and stuff. Don’t get in at that stage. The elders feel it is their ‘duty’ to it and wouldn’t quite apprecite your opinions at that stage. They will match your’s and your future lifepartner’s horoscopes, planetary positions, families, social status, caste, height, age, lucky numbers, lucky stones, etc. and then arrive at a shortlist of applications. It is not advisable to get involved in this process if you are even slightly idealistic. Just wait for the output which will be in the form of a Government file containing the profiles and photos (sad, but true) alongwith an appointment list. All you have to do is to be at the prefixed place at the prefixed time (that is fixed, auspicious and all that you see!).
Here comes in my philosophy. Invite the girl (and her parents too, if they want to come along) to a common place (where you can get some private space to talk to each other) and meet them there along with or without (varies from case to case) your parents. If her parents are coming, it’s better to take yours along too. Tell the parents that both of you will need some private space to talk and also maybe half an hour to one hour of time together. During which time they can avoid getting bored by talking to each other.
Why should you invite the girl outside her home against the traditional style of going to her house?
I consider this (going to her house) as a sign of a male-dominated society.
I understand that sometimes family pressurizes you to go and you wouldn’t like to create a scene. Try consciously to avoid being judgemental about the house and all the other things mentioned here. If any elder tries to act smart, reign them in by saying, “Let me talk to her first please”. Be polite, be firm. Let them know you will make the decision only after you speak with her and not on circumstancial evidence.
The next part will handle: what to talk, how to talk, what not to talk, how to end and how to decide.
Yenappa Aditya… magu ada thakshna family advisor agi bittra?
Hoi Dumma then u agree that u are one of the dummies is it?? ;)
Uppittu Kesaribaath is a norm for shettru… less for others. :)
//Hoi Dumma then u agree that u are one of the dummies is it?//
Appo Adithyathu kooda ‘arranged marraige’. Kaadhal kalyaanam endru ninaithein.Sorry.
(Understand if you’ve truly learnt Thamizh!)
Hey Adi, trust me, this is how books get written and published. Self-help books, tomes on marital woes and pleasures et al.
Buddy, try your hand at it because you have a rare flair for looking at the funny side of everyday events. Go for it!
PS: Can’t comment on this topic coz I am single and have no knowledge of the goings-on before a wedding, except what I see in movies:)
Tell me more Guruji!!!!
It’s high-time for me dude.
Any more inputs /suggestions are always welcome.
Ha Ha…! Really funny…I know I know all these stories..Can’t really forget but wonder how people hit numbers like 30-40 still not out. Its really a boring business..!
uppiTTu kesaribath ella koTTidu nanage nenpe illa. namaneli bere irtha ittu.. :-)
Good Tips for Nonsrikers waiting to take on their Life in a single stride!
Vijay:
Public demand sir! bahaLa jana keLidru advice, to save time and effort (otherwise there is lot of duplication) I decided to publish a blogpost aste. Nimma abhipraya enu antha gottaglillvalla ee article bagge?!
Kirthana:
Yes! ;)
But, we are in the same boat. You are also a “dummy” if you realise! :)
Ravi:
I am sure you are right but the jargon has stuck and become very famous.
Ganesh:
‘arranged marriage’ approm kaadhal nadandhadhu nu sollalam. Enna sollringe?! ;) Eppadi irukku ennai tamizh mozhi?
Anand:
Reg books being written and published: you are back to pulling my leg na. Vokkay what to do! :(
Reg PS: I am sure you ll refer to this when the time comes!
VamC:
Yeah yeah I know. They are coming in sometime! :)
Veena:
I know how boring it can get for girls in this situation.
Btw, enu irtha ittu? Swalpa helteera?! Just curious!
Suresh:
Thanks! :)
There is another reason for going to the girls house. Normally girls are supposed to be shy and they will be more comfortable in there sorroundings. you can take them out of there comfort zone and dicuss once you have seen and feel like talking.This happens because you may not like her on first sight and same may be true the other side also.What do you think. It could be Jamoon and bise bele bath instead of UK
Saar.. namige no UK… only Coffee… adhu kooda without sugar…
No ways! I said that in all honesty! It’s fabulous and hilarious to boot!
PS: I hope I never get to read this!
It mostly depended on what time the visit was, if it was in the afternoon time,mostly juice /rasna, with some sweet khara. Evenings generally cover up milk/coffee with sweet/khaara according to their preference.
The funny part was dressing up our hall than me..
namma kaDe enu sambhanda aago vargo ooTa ella maadalvanthe, its like we eat only if we are going to become beegaru types.
#14 was my final number, it was really tiring, I somehow even felt like why didnt I choose one myself :-) than althose drama….
I then decided that I won’t torture my daughter like that, hopefully after 20+ years, that ritual might get very stale & obsolete.
Vijay, sugarless coffee na ? onthara its like “your life is like a coffee without sugar & sugar missing is what I am” anthana, madam avara idea ?
something tells me that the genders mentioned in this post are intransigent, as such you might want to change the title to specify “male dummies” instead of just dummies. what say? :-)
‘When a family starts looking out for an alliance for their daughter, the entire neighbourhood take out their scoring sheets. “Did you know that already two guys rejected her?”. Do you really want your wife and her family to go through this because of you? When it can be avoided by a simple modification in the process, we must give it a chance. ‘
methinks this logic does not apply in current society, unless you stipulate that the girl has no option of saying no (maybe in villages that is how it is, but i cannot agree that this is the case in our cities).
- s.b.
Waiting eagerly for Part II :D
doDappa:
First of all, I am shocked to see you here. I never had even the slightest inkling that you read my blog. I am in fact honoured to know that you read it! :) Thanks!
Now, coming to the point, I see what you are saying. And also see meaning in it. But in today’s society it is not necessary that the comfort zone is actually her own home. Her comfort zone is her parents and family, if they are with her then she will be okay with a common place too. According to a small survey among girls I know suggests that a common place is the better option.
Nowadays the way in which marriages are formed is getting revolutionised with the advent of internet and these matrimonial websites. Girls are no longer the shy kinds in this matter. They initiate discussions and also reject proposals and are upfront about it. And more often than not the meetings through the website are in a common place. If I take your point then the girls should be inviting the boy home, but that doesn’t seem to be happening.
And coming to JBB instead of UK, I would definitely have a soft corner for the girl who treated me to such great dishes! ;)
Vijay:
Enu sir idu? Nijavagilu na?! Athava love marriage aa nimmdu?
Anand:
Thanks a lot!:)
Veena:
“According to their preference” aa?
andre enu?
“namma kaDe enu sambhanda aago vargo ooTa ella maadalvanthe”
Hmmm… I have heard this at many places. Sounds so silly allva? Bere ella tintaare, ooTakke maatra eno rules! :)
ayayappa, 14 is a lot of effort! My sympathies with you for all that dressing up and all that you would have gone through!
“hopefully after 20+ years, that ritual might get very stale & obsolete”
Rituals are already obsolete. But it’s us who keep sticking to it despite their being totally meaningless. I don’t know if you have read this post of mine on rituals and their meaninglessness. Do read the comments section also. Though my views are slightly different today essentially they are the same.
Please accept my hats off to your answer to Vijay!
s.b.:
Male dummies, yes, you are right. I should rename it. Let me do that for the second part! :)
I would have loved to say “70% of our country lives in its villages”! LOL! But I will spare you! :)
Seriously speaking, you are right but then even in cities the mentalities of neighbours cannot be controlled. They don’t know who rejected whom. They will simply make their own assumptions and more often than not it is an opinion that is tilted against the girl. I hope you see what I mean.
Chinmay:
Coming soon!
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Veena: Gothilla paa… I dont know what the significance was… I do realize NOW that I was the sugar ;-)
Adi: Meeting was in a relatives house (of the other side of course)… conjuse nann maga ashte… The fact that I agreed shows my large heartedness.. lol
Adi, generally when people go for these beverages we need to offer like nimage Tea na coffee na athva swalpa haal koDoda… some have aversions to coffee some to tea so avara preference andiddu :-)
14 nammalli comparitively lesser, usually the rejects were from my parents than me..
Of course to me, Jana india dalli settle aagovre sikthirlilla nodi, adondu draw back ashTe.
What ever it may be My friends used to say that some bell will ring in your heart to say YES this is the guy etc, Beleive me it never happened to me. My parents were generous enough to allow me to choose my studies, career etc., so I just left this one to them..
I had told my father once, modlu bandavrge yes antha… aadre adeno 14 nodi nanna lucky number!
Vijay, first madam nimmanna opkondralla, avarana opkobeku saar.
Adi, what made you think Vijay’s was a love marriage. avaranna nodidre hange ansodu alva.. full innu ade tara aaDtaare :-)
“I would have loved to say “70% of our country lives in its villages”! LOL! But I will spare you! :) ”
don’t spare me!
but isn’t it also true that 70% of the gossip also is performed by the womenfolk? or has this %age also changed since i left des?
just wondering have you read this post by pavan?
- s.b.
Veena:
Oh hange! Vokkay vokkay!
So, India nalli settle agodu nimmage main priority agitta. Good good.
14 less aa? What’s your benchmark?
Bell ringing ella movies nalli aste.
Nanu inna Vijayavaranna nodillvalla?! :)
S.b.:
“but isn’t it also true that 70% of the gossip also is performed by the womenfolk? or has this %age also changed since i left des?”
Nope. Nothing has changed. Maybe the %age has increased! :D
Amazing post from Pavan with striking similarities. Looks like the thought process is the same everywhere! :) But that was typical Pavan style. Super humour!
ayyo vijay avaranna nodidre andre avara bariyo stlye, comment maado style, kaaL eLiyo stlye antha :-) sari naaniga illige nillistheeni.
Vijay na meet maadi, very interesting person! our first meet was in Dwarka bhavan, typical enterpreneur plus enterprising , swalpa namma sunil gavaskar face cut :-)
Veena: Yenri Veena.. Gavaskar ge compare maadtheeralla… at least I dont walk like him (baathu koli style)… on another note 14??? wow !!!
face cut asthte ne vijay..walking style ella observe maado asthu nange patience illabibi!!
Whoa!! sakkat informative saar – nammantavrige helpful :P
Srik, are you reading this ? ;)