Perennial dilemma of a seeker…

March 2, 2010 at 2:25 am

Sometimes when I give too much importance to my emotions then I see the quality of my life deteriorating. Activity of the mind becomes uncontrollable. Closing eyes seems to take you to the heart of the matter but only to increase the activity further. How do we break free from our tendency to identify ourselves with thing that we clearly know we aren’t?

It is equally strange to identify oneself as one’s phone or computer as it is with our emotions. Emotions are accumulated the same way the phone or computer was. Why can’t I use emotion to convey or receive a point like a phone and switch it off for the rest of the while? What is it with this stupid compulsion to continuously generate and get involved and attached to these emotions?

Why is it that I want everything else and everybody else around me to be in a certain way to enable me to be in a certain way? Why can’t I remain the way I want to? Which is a bigger tragedy – others not being my way? Or I not being my way? Cleary the latter is a far more significant problem than the former.

The whole point with “I” is that it is already the way it has to be. My perception is so clouded with these damn thoughts about work, home, family, properties that I acquired so on and so forth that I am unable to clear my sense of perception. These thoughts transform themselves into such strong emotions that after a while there is no perception – only emotions and thoughts. And that brings me back to my original question – why emotions?

What does emotion need to exist? Obviously something is driving its existence and pushing it into the realm of the mind. What is that something? When Ï” am a complete being being by myself whatis the need for a horrible crutch like emotion? Ok – I don’t know by experience that I am a complete being but yes without it being complete it couldn’t be the source of creation. When will I destroy myself to let this source of creation take form and express itself? For that to happen I need to break all that I identify myself with. Including these compulsive emotions. How well they disguise themselves to confuse me about myself?! It is amazing that the amount of distance they build within me between Ï”and my desire to experience Ï” seems to be infinite but also a matter of a moment of deep realization. THis crippling duality and the absolute stillness – when will I make the journey? Have I started? Or am I just standing on the shores waiting for the river to invite me? Unless I let go of the bank I won’t experience the river, but if I knew how to jump into the river – the question remains whether I would have chosen to do so?

The question arises mainly because even after having tasted the Divine I am unable to break away from my compulsions and shortcomings. I continue to live with them and do not seem to have escaped from them.