Irrespective of whether the location is her house or a common place ensure that you get enough privacy to talk to each other. By privacy, I mean, both of you should have the confidence that you will not be overheard. It is going to be the first ever conversation between you and your lifepartner, so ensure that it is just between the both of you. Small goof-ups to major blunders become part of folklore later. So, be 100% careful on that.

This reminds me of the scene in “Roja” where Arvindswamy is speaking to Madhoo’s elder sister where she refuses to marry him because she is in love with someone else. They are talking in the backyard of their house while she is mixing coffee and there is a group of old women sitting a few feet away. This group can see them but cannot hear them. And that is a nice situation too. This also tells us that we need not think of a closed space to talk privately, even a far enough space where we can be seen but not heard is also a possibility.

Once you have found yourself a space to speak safely and privately comes up the question of what to talk. If you have a certain checklist with you as to what you need to mention during your conversation it always helps so that you don’t miss out on something important. Before starting I find it convenient as well as it is considered good manners to offer the girl to speak first. If she has something in mind to speak then it is best that you build the conversation on that without really interrupting the flow of the conversation. And please don’t conclude that she is ‘dominating’ if she wishes to start the discussion. But in all probability, no girl will ever begin the discussion. More than their being unsure of what to speak they are interested in seeing what you have up your sleeve! But you would have earned brownie points for making her feel comfortable with the first words you spoke!

Whoever starts the discussion, a few obvious things that you have to know about each other include: family, education and work backgrounds. If there are any important commitments that become binding on the family after marriage then it needs to be atleast informed if not discussed in great detail. And anything else that you consider a must-know before making a decision should be told. It’s better you discuss as openly as possible.

And if this discussion is happening at her home, then please keep the snacks and UK away (UK = Upittu Kesari Bath or JBB (Jamun and Bisi Bele bath according to the comments section of Part I!) and that’s the name of this process in kannada slang!) while discussing if you are in anyway similar to me. I barely listen to the other person while eating. And my replies are generally concerning the dish being relished and that I have realised can put off people who are trying to have a conversation with you! Strange, huh?! Anyway, each person is different and to each his own, dish! ;)

Coming back to the topic, while telling her about yourself please refrain from giving technical details. If you are a BE from IIT, Madras, then let her feel it from the way you treat her. You don’t need to tell her that IIT Madras is among the top 3 engineering institutes in the country. If she doesn’t know she will find out or ask. Don’t bother her with boring details. If you own a Maruti Swift, good, but it is not necessary to tell her anything else but the colour. Once she comes to know that you bought a “Yellow” car it doesn’t really impress her if it is a 1300 cc V2 engine with power steering, central locking and airconditioning. Unless of course, she was your classmate during Mechanical engineering at IIT Madras! If you are a Veterinarian and she thinks that’s a variation of being vegetarian then there is an immediate need for clarification to avoid preparing a perfect case for divorce in the future. In a nutshell, share details wherever necessary.

This talk about family, work and education should, ideally, end within 5 to 10 minutes. Then the actual talk begins. Where you try to know each other as a person – likes, dislikes, hobbies, interests, favourite hangout places, friends, favourite personalities, outdoor activities, books, authors, general outlook about life (a bit philosophical and is to be used only if you are able to handle the subsequent discussion), etc. etc. This part should be the most interactive and lively part of the conversation and this more often than not decides the outcome. If this part of the discussion turns out to be soporific, then forget it. Both of you were either not in the mood to talk to each other or you were absolutely a mismatch in the first place. So, try giving it another chance and maybe say you would like to speak some other day again. I know that will be frowned upon but later you will also be understood. There is no compulsion in this world that you need to decide within half an hour of seeing each other. You can take as much time as you want, so be cool and take your time.

Now comes the actual question of how to decide. There is no golden rule for this. If I had one I would be God. People entering this situation with a list of specifications can easily see that their list is as useless as a worthless trinket. Once you speak to the person you find that there is so much more to him/ her that you can value than just those things on your list. Some people, I know, went with ‘presentability’ as one of their criteria. I don’t think I need to elaborate on what the catch is with this criterion. If she becomes fat and ugly later on, what then? (Did I hear someone say “Like you adi?!”. I might be fat and ugly now, *Background laughter*, but then I might become thin and handsome in the future too. *Background laughter gets louder*)

One thing you can definitely base your decision is on the flow of discussion. The comfort level that you developed during the discussion – this could be a dicey thing to do considering the possibility of dealing with a introvertish person. For example, I faced this situation and you need gems like me to identify the hidden diamonds! :D Her answers to your so-called difficult questions. I had one when I was looking and that was, “How comfortable are you moving out of [city name]?”. [City name] was defined as the one in which she was staying with her parents since birth. Okay I know that this is not a very dangerous question and can be easily handled and all that. It is the response that will give you an instant pulse of how she will react to unexpected questions.

Some people are experts at reading body language. Right or wrong or whatever it is one of the techniques you apply if you believe your analysis. Similarly there are various other things that people do before taking a decision. Talking to other people who have also seen the girl with you and understand what they know about the girl. Speaking to a few common friends, if any. Trust your intuition. It works. Read this book for further details.

Please do not resort to double-checking what the girl has told. It becomes a comedy of contradictions then. If there is anything you doubt or want a clarification – please call/ visit (another opportunity to see her!) girl or her parents directly and ask. Don’t go about secretly checking up!

This worked for me, so I am suggesting it might work for you too. But there might be cases where the whole thing fails. So be cautious. I am sure you can devise a better strategy than what I did. And whatever you do, please let me know too. All the best!

PS: Thanks s.b. for suggesting the change in the title. I think this makes more sense now! :)

First things first:

This is not a search for a commodity where you go with a list of specifications in the market and find it. It is a search for yourself. Unless you know what kind of a person you are, you cannot and will never end this search easily (or worse might end up on the wrong one).

Talk to people you are close to and ask what kind of a girl they think will be right for you. Though they are speaking about the girl they are indirectly telling you what kind of a person you are. Instead of taking their ideas at face value, analyse what they have said and why they have said so. It will help you get a clear idea of what others think about you. And it is possible that your future lifepartner also thinks about you in the same way. Getting an idea about yourself is the key in getting this process right. Once you sort this out, the rest is just a matter of luck and time.

Let the elders do the matching and stuff. Don’t get in at that stage. The elders feel it is their ‘duty’ to it and wouldn’t quite apprecite your opinions at that stage. They will match your’s and your future lifepartner’s horoscopes, planetary positions, families, social status, caste, height, age, lucky numbers, lucky stones, etc. and then arrive at a shortlist of applications. It is not advisable to get involved in this process if you are even slightly idealistic. Just wait for the output which will be in the form of a Government file containing the profiles and photos (sad, but true) alongwith an appointment list. All you have to do is to be at the prefixed place at the prefixed time (that is fixed, auspicious and all that you see!).

Here comes in my philosophy. Invite the girl (and her parents too, if they want to come along) to a common place (where you can get some private space to talk to each other) and meet them there along with or without (varies from case to case) your parents. If her parents are coming, it’s better to take yours along too. Tell the parents that both of you will need some private space to talk and also maybe half an hour to one hour of time together. During which time they can avoid getting bored by talking to each other.

Why should you invite the girl outside her home against the traditional style of going to her house?
I consider this (going to her house) as a sign of a male-dominated society.

I understand that sometimes family pressurizes you to go and you wouldn’t like to create a scene. Try consciously to avoid being judgemental about the house and all the other things mentioned here. If any elder tries to act smart, reign them in by saying, “Let me talk to her first please”. Be polite, be firm. Let them know you will make the decision only after you speak with her and not on circumstancial evidence.

The next part will handle: what to talk, how to talk, what not to talk, how to end and how to decide.

[Via email from Iti]  

Celebration means…
Four friends.
Bahar barsaat.
Four glasses of beer.

Celebration means…
Hundred bucks of petrol.
A rusty old bike.
And an open road.

Celebration means…
Maggi noodles.
A hostel room.
4.25 a.m.

Celebration means…
3 old friends.
3 separate cities.
3 coffee mugs.
1 internet messenger.

Celebration means…
Rain on a hot tin roof.
Pakoras deep-frying.
Neighbours dropping in.
A party.

Celebration means…
You and mom.
A summer night.
A bottle of coconut oil.
A head massage.

On the menu:

• ಕಡುಬುಗಳು
• ಹೋಳಿಗೆಗಳು – ಅದರ ಜೊತೆ ತುಪ್ಪ ಮತ್ತು ಹಾಲು!
• ಹುರ್ಣದ ಕಟ್ಟು ಸಾರು
• ಪುಳಿಯೊಗ್ರೆ
• ಆಂಬೊಡೆಗಳು
• etc.!! ;)

ಸರಿ ಸರಿ ಹಸಿವು ಶುರು ಆಯಿತು ನನಿಗೆ! ನಾನು ಹೊರಟೆ!