Perennial dilemma of a seeker…
Sometimes when I give too much importance to my emotions then I see the quality of my life deteriorating. Activity of the mind becomes uncontrollable. Closing eyes seems to take you to the heart of the matter but only to increase the activity further. How do we break free from our tendency to identify ourselves with thing that we clearly know we aren’t?
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We were planning a gala get-together within our first and closest circle of friends. It was also meant to be a celebration of a landmark in our relationship – the 10th year of our meeting. Few of us have become husbands and fathers while the rest are looking to enter this stage. The planning was going on with great pace and enthusiasm over emails because each of us is in a different corner of the World. Just then an email came that threw everyone keenly involved in the process into the thinking mode. It was always assumed that we were all still the same. It never occured to us that someone might have changed over these years.
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[Via email from Hemanth]
Vivek Pradhan wasn’t a happy man. Even the plush comfort of the First Class air-conditioned compartment of the Shatabdi Express couldn’t cool his frayed nerves. He was the Project Manager and still not entitled to air travel. It was not the prestige he sought, he had tried to reason with the admin guy, it was the savings in time. A Project Manager had so many things to do!
He opened his case and took out the laptop, determined to put the time to some good use.
“Are you from the software industry sir”, the man beside him was staring appreciatively at the laptop.
Vivek glanced briefly and mumbled in affirmation, handling the laptop now with exaggerated care and importance as if it were an expensive car.
“You people have brought so much advancement to the country sir. Today everything is getting computerized”
“Thanks”, smiled Vivek, turning around to give the man a detailed look. He always found it difficult to resist appreciation. The man was young and stocky like a sportsman. He looked simple and strangely outfox place in that little lap of luxury like a small-town boy in a prep school. He probably was a Railway sportsman making the most of his free traveling pass.
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Arranged marriage for ‘male’ dummies – Part II
Now that we have worked out the where to talk business, let us get down to the more important issues.
Irrespective of whether the location is her house or a common place ensure that you get enough privacy to talk to each other. By privacy, I mean, both of you should have the confidence that you will not be overheard. It is going to be the first ever conversation between you and your lifepartner, so ensure that it is just between the both of you. Small goof-ups to major blunders become part of folklore later. So, be 100% careful on that.
This reminds me of the scene in “Roja” where Arvindswamy is speaking to Madhoo’s elder sister where she refuses to marry him because she is in love with someone else. They are talking in the backyard of their house while she is mixing coffee and there is a group of old women sitting a few feet away. This group can see them but cannot hear them. And that is a nice situation too. This also tells us that we need not think of a closed space to talk privately, even a far enough space where we can be seen but not heard is also a possibility.
Once you have found yourself a space to speak safely and privately comes up the question of what to talk.
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Arranged marriage for dummies – Part I
I went through an arranged marriage. Thankfully, I didn’t have to go through too many UKs (Uppittu-Kesari Bath, what it means will be explained later in this post or the next!). But I know of my friends who went through 20 or more before ending their search. In order to avoid so many UKs and to handle the whole process better here I present a few things out of my experience and my friends’ experiences. I am writing this to ensure that the shock factor, that is there while going through these UKs, is minimized. I will be glad if it helps someone out.
Most elders I know cannot be practical for some reason that I cannot understand.
As long as things don’t affect me I am not bothered because those are their beliefs and they are entitled to have them. Like my friend Anand Balaji once said (A Voltairian quote), “I might not agree with what you have to say. But I will die for your right to say it”, I extend the same logic to “beliefs”. “I might not believe in what you believe. But I will die for your right to believe in what you want. Kindly keep those beliefs to yourself and don’t affect lives around you”
Here is a list of popular things I came across that clash with normal sensibility. And before I proceed, I must apologize to my friend Shastri, for once fighting with him on my sensible assumption that “there are a few of these things that actually have scientific basis”.
In one of my posts, we had a discussion about the culture of Mysore. Vatsan compared it with Chennai’s culture and said:
Mysore will become another silicon valley and lose its identity :), im pretty sure.
Chennai retains its identity because the labour working in IT firms is largely frm in and around TN, and chennai has close connections with TN, culturally speaking, chennai is an overgrown village. if mysore doesnt have roots with karnataka and workers don come frm the state, then Mysore will lose its identity just like blore :)
Sympathy, clemency and blah blah!
Five years ago on this day, the Indian symbol of democracy was attacked by terrorists. Our parliament was under sieze by a group of five terrorists (Arundhati Roy says “six”!). The entire nation watched the well-covered event on television. The session was on inside the parliament and they seemed to be going about their business as not many of them were outside the parliament. If I remember right, the zero-hour was going on.
Our security personnel stood their ground against these terrorists and killed all of them. But not before sacrificing eight lives to prevent the heart of our democracy from being attacked (or God knows what was on their mind!)! The martyrs were soon forgotten after giving them a few notes of paper and one piece of metal (no, that’s not a typo error!) each.
The investigations took place. It was concluded that the mega event was well-planned and excecuted. The main guy who planned the event and managed the back-end was found to be Mr. Mohammed Afzal (bloody traitor!). Quite surprisingly, within 5 years he was caught, booked and convicted by the Indian judiciary.
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Relationship, communication and mind-states
Have been reading a lot around the blogsphere regarding relationships and how we should handle them as well as ourselves in these relationships.
People have various ways of looking at relationships. Some people like categorizing relationships on basis of blood and otherwise meaning: family and friends. Some say relationships are strong or weak; close or far; “childhood friends” or “hi-bye friends”; so on and so forth. Categorizing makes for easy handling of this vast in-depth subject. And in most circumstances, the best way of handling it is through categorizing them relevantly.
A relationship is an equation between two people. The equation gets formed when the two start communicating. It can be through any mode of communication. Even just meeting of eyes is sometimes the beginning of a relationship. But then, no communication no relationship. Sometimes communication might happen, yet there might be no relationship. I don’t think such a situation is possible at all. Once I have communicated, I might not be thinking about it, but there is a relationship that has been initiated. I might not be aware of it.
As a person we are playing different roles. No, not the kinds shown by Aamir Khan in the toyota ad! With my wife, I am playing the husband’s role. With my younger brother, I am playing the elder brother’s role. And many others. Not that I am playing them consciously, it’s just that it happens. But there are states of mind that I get into while communicating in each role. These mind-states maybe different for each role. But they might not be unique.
Now, when I am in these mind-states the other person is also in these mind states only. I know I am talking on a very vague level, but let me say that there are 4 mind states (It can be 100 also). M1 to M4. Both the persons A & B are communicating from one of these mind-states. Say A is from M1 and B is in M3. If A & B know the mind-states that each other are communicating from, then fine. Otherwise, is where the problem arises from.
And to understand which Mind-state the other person is operating from, constant communication is necessary. Since every person is changing his mind-states constantly, it is necessary to understand the pattern of change also. Once we understand all these then the relationship will be a smooth one. For this, communication is a core necessity. Remember, no communication no relationship!
And yeah the way to solve the problems in relationships is to identify the mind-states properly and responding appropriately. That should put an end to all problems!
Wow Adi is so brilliant! Some stupid theory I have, I keep raving and ranting about it. I know this is very similar to the parent, child, adult egos of the ‘transactional analysis’ theory, probably this is my way of understanding that theory. I just wrote it and realised that it is very similar to the original TA theory. It’s the same “I’m okay, You’ re okay” theory.
Well, though I will be laughed at for trying to copy some well-known theory, let me state that I typed it as it came to my mind. And even though I found that it can be accused of plagiarism, I am going ahead with posting it. That’s because if even one person who reads this article, develops an interest in the TA theory then I would have emerged victorious.
Family, ties and I | An introspection
Sometimes I wonder what a family is all about. The definition keeps changing whenever we look at it.
As a kid, family meant appa, amma and ani – my kid brother. I used to find their restrictions a bit imposing and probably intrusive at times, but then I had no-one else who would feed me! Ani – my kid brother and I used to fight a lot when we were young. I was a deadly, insensitive, insensible, immature and jealous elder brother. I didn’t know why families existed. I thought God had given everyone these individual boxes with 4 people each (because my family had 4 members) into which they went after school and playing cricket. And if by some stroke of luck, they had an element called ‘Amma’ thrown in then every kid goes home and studies!
As I grew up, family meant to be an unit together with which we face the world. Whenever I slap my friend at school, bite a fleshy arm of a well-to-do benchmate or break the wind-shield of an ambassador car, I have someone to shield me from directly getting spanked. Or in some cases, bear the financial implications. A strange definition. But I never thought beyond this. I guess I was very much living life as it came by the moment.
Then when it was the emotional growth point, I turned into this person who rarely exposed his inner self to anyone else. That was because there was not much off inner depth to this person. I always spoke my mind. Was short tempered. So my mind used to get lot of publicity. And as a result drew a lot of flak. And not necessarily everything was sugar-quoted. So, there was a dual personality brewing one who was hurt and another who was inflicting hurt. My family accepted me the way I was. My parents dealt with me the way you need to be dealt with. My brother has his own world, but we still used to fight. I forgot mention that I was extremely immature. Family then meant a place where I get to inflict hurt, because I don’t get them back there. Whereas whenever I did it with the world it came back hundred times bigger.
At such a stage, friends came into my life. Though my equation with them was restricted to sharing the same physical space and interests and all that, unknowingly I had developed a very deep bond with them. Realisation of their value came in when I was leaving school. From then on, I realised that I needed to value my friends when I was with them. Some level of maturity was reached I guess.
Then I left home to pursue my studies. Met friends who are now an extension of my family. And when I was away from home, I learnt a lot of things about Family and I. How selfishly I have lived my life so far. But I was ignorant then. The problem was I was also so arrogant that I never listened to anyone trying to drill some sense into that mind of mine! My arrogance, temper, ignorance and many other undesirable traits came into my circle of awareness. I stopped treating my family like a financial support institution but never broke the ice to take it any further.
Slowly, as I continued to pursue higher studies supported by my family, I began to realise the significant role that they played in helping me be as I am. For whatever I am today if I give the credit to them I dont know if they will take it. But who else can be eligible even for a nomination is anybody’s guess!
I don’t have the habit of emotionally opening up to my family though many people feel that “What else is a family for?”. I would like to say that to each person – ‘family’ has a different meaning. Some people find that if they go back home and speak a lot and spend a lot of time laughing and confiding with their amma or appa they have a very close-knit family. I don’t find reason to believe that. Confiding with my appa can never happen. My amma and I cannot talk for more than 3 minutes without entering into a fight (For eg. “What did you’ve for dinner yesterday?”; “I had Pav Bhaji outside”; “Why do you eat outside so much? Your health doesn’t accept it and you know it”; “I felt like having so I had”; “Do whatever you want!”) And I don’t find the need to be close to them.
But yeah, I don’t know about their side of the story. The way that I have been brought up and I have seen my parents, we are not the typical family. That’s the way we have been. That’s the way my father and his parents (my grandparents) have lived. I don’t know if this is the best way to live life or what. I don’t think there are any “Best Practices” for this. This is the way we are.
On a slight tangent, why do we see family fights? Probably reason #1 is: Property or Money. However you want to call it. What happens to my definition of a family that’s fighting? Where do all this ‘closeness’ factors disappear? What happens to children who are witness to such fights? These fights could be between children only. Seldom do we witness parents fighting between themselves. As brothers and sisters, when something else as poisonous as property, money, etc. takes prominence to the relationship the relationship dies a slow death. And watching it die, can be the most heart-wrenching experience for everyone involved.
I might have fought with my brother over cricket scores while playing in our compound, over dishes that my mom needs to cook, over chocolates that were gifted to him by our uncle, over icecreams, over studies, carrom, chess, etc. whatever. But I vow today that I will not let any of the relationships in my family die because of fights over money. I don’t know why and what made me take this vow, but then I guess it’s a good one to make. And there’s never a bad time to make a good vow.