Why is it that I want everything else and everybody else around me to be in a certain way to enable me to be in a certain way? Why can’t I remain the way I want to? Which is a bigger tragedy – others not being my way? Or I not being my way? Cleary the latter is a far more significant problem than the former.

The whole point with “I” is that it is already the way it has to be. My perception is so clouded with these damn thoughts about work, home, family, properties that I acquired so on and so forth that I am unable to clear my sense of perception. These thoughts transform themselves into such strong emotions that after a while there is no perception – only emotions and thoughts. And that brings me back to my original question – why emotions?

What does emotion need to exist? Obviously something is driving its existence and pushing it into the realm of the mind. What is that something? When Ï” am a complete being being by myself whatis the need for a horrible crutch like emotion? Ok – I don’t know by experience that I am a complete being but yes without it being complete it couldn’t be the source of creation. When will I destroy myself to let this source of creation take form and express itself? For that to happen I need to break all that I identify myself with. Including these compulsive emotions. How well they disguise themselves to confuse me about myself?! It is amazing that the amount of distance they build within me between Ï”and my desire to experience Ï” seems to be infinite but also a matter of a moment of deep realization. THis crippling duality and the absolute stillness – when will I make the journey? Have I started? Or am I just standing on the shores waiting for the river to invite me? Unless I let go of the bank I won’t experience the river, but if I knew how to jump into the river – the question remains whether I would have chosen to do so?

The question arises mainly because even after having tasted the Divine I am unable to break away from my compulsions and shortcomings. I continue to live with them and do not seem to have escaped from them.

All of a sudden when that ownership is questioned under the veil of “practical thinking”, a sting of insensitivity hits us. We are left wondering if all those days of living together was all a farce. All of a sudden it is assumed that it is difficult for me to host few friends who I value more than anything in this world. And the problem is that it is exactly these friends who assumed such things under the garb of having a logical mindset. I was asked not to get emotional about such stuff. Tell me, all of you, is this getting emotional? If someone has changed altogether and we continue to expect the same from them that they were years before, is it getting emotional? Will it be oh-so-practical of me to say “Of course, you are right. Hosting all of you is such a pain in my house. Imagine with all the water problems and all that how can I make you comfortable? It is a problem”?

There were times when I used to just drop into your house without even asking you and I considered it a right of mine. There are times when I used your vehicle as if it were mine without thinking twice. There are times when you have done the same with me. What has changed now? It is beyond my comprehension. An addition of our wives and my son made such a difference to your way of thinking about me? I hope this is just an aberration in our relationship and not an indication of how things are going to be in the future.

This might have been called an emotional outburst if not for the hours of thinking that went behind composing this post. And this is not a rant, this is just a realisation that has dawned on me that I was the one who was being foolish(?) all the while whereas others had moved on to being more mature and practical. Sorry. There are somethings that I can never understand. And I am this way only. Never remember being any different.

Vivek Pradhan wasn’t a happy man. Even the plush comfort of the First Class air-conditioned compartment of the Shatabdi Express couldn’t cool his frayed nerves. He was the Project Manager and still not entitled to air travel. It was not the prestige he sought, he had tried to reason with the admin guy, it was the savings in time. A Project Manager had so many things to do!

He opened his case and took out the laptop, determined to put the time to some good use.

“Are you from the software industry sir”, the man beside him was staring appreciatively at the laptop.
Vivek glanced briefly and mumbled in affirmation, handling the laptop now with exaggerated care and importance as if it were an expensive car.

“You people have brought so much advancement to the country sir. Today everything is getting computerized”
“Thanks”, smiled Vivek, turning around to give the man a detailed look. He always found it difficult to resist appreciation. The man was young and stocky like a sportsman. He looked simple and strangely outfox place in that little lap of luxury like a small-town boy in a prep school. He probably was a Railway sportsman making the most of his free traveling pass.

“You people always amaze me”, the man continued, “You sit in an office and write something on a computer and it does so many big things outside”. Vivek smiled deprecatingly. Naivety demanded reasoning not anger.
“It is not as simple as that my friend. It is not just a question of writing a few lines. There is a lot of process that goes behind it”. For a moment he was tempted to explain the entire Software Development Lifecycle but restrained himself to a single statement. “It is complex, very complex”.

“It has to be. No wonder you people are so highly paid”, came the reply.

This was not turning out as Vivek had thought. A hint of belligerence came into his so far affable, persuasive tone.

“Everyone just sees the money. No one sees the amount of hard work we have to put in.Hard work! Indians have such a narrow concept of hard work. Just because we sit in an air-conditioned office doesn’t mean our brows don’t sweat. You exercise the muscle; we exercise the mind and believe me that is no less taxing”, he had the man where he wanted him and it was time to drive home the point, “Let me give you an example. Take this train. The entire railway reservation system is computerized. You can book a train ticket between any two stations from any of the hundreds of computerized booking centers across the country. Thousands of transactions accessing a single datax-ud at a given time; concurrency, data integrity, locking, data security. Do you understand the complexity in designing and coding such a system?”

The man was stuck with amazement, like a child at a planetarium. This was something big and beyond his imagination.
“You design and code such things?”
“I used to”, Vivek paused for effect, “But now I am the project manager”
“Oh!” sighed the man, as if the storm had passed over, “so your life is easy now”.

It was like being told the fire was better than the frying pan. The man had to be given a feel of the heat.

“Oh come on, does life ever get easy as you go up the ladder. Responsibility only brings more work. Design and coding! That is the easier part. Now I don’t do it, but I am responsible for it and believe me, that is far more stressful. My job is to get the work done in time and with the highest quality. And to tell you about the pressures! There is the customer at one end always changing his requirements, the user wanting something else and your boss always expecting you to have finished it yesterday”.

Vivek paused, his belligerence fading with self-realisation. What he had said was not merely the outburst of a wronged man, it was the truth. And one need not get angry while defending the truth.

“My friend”, he concluded triumphantly, “you don’t know what it is to be in the line of fire.”

The man sat back in his chair, his eyes closed as if in realization. When he spoke after sometime, it was with a calm certainty that surprised Vivek.

“I know sir, I know what it is to be in the line of fire”, He was staring blankly as if no passenger, no train existed, just a vast expanse of time.

“There were 30 of us when we were ordered to capture Point 4875 in the cover of the night. The enemy was firing from the top. There was no knowing where the next bullet was going to come from and for whom. In the morning when we finally hoisted the tricolor at the top only 4 of us were alive”

“You are a….”

“I am Subedar Sushant from the 13 J&K Rifles on duty at Peak 4875 in Kargil. They tell me I have completed my term and can opt for a land assignment. But tell me sir, can one give up duty just because it makes life easier. On the dawn of that capture one of my colleagues lay injured in the snow, open to enemy fire while we were hiding behind a bunker. It was my job to go and fetch that soldier to safety. But my captain refused me permission and went ahead himself. He said that the first pledge he had taken as a Gentleman Cadet was to put the safety and welfare of the nation foremost followed by the safety and welfare of the men he commanded. His own personal safety camelast, always and every time. He was killed as he shielded that soldier into the bunker. Every morning now as stand guard I can see him taking all those bullets, which were actually meant for me. I know sir, I know what it is to be in the line of fire”.

Vivek looked at him in disbelief not sure of his reply. Abruptly he switched off the laptop. It seemed trivial, even insulting to edit a word document in the presence of a man for whom valor and duty was a daily part of life; a valor and sense of duty which he had so far attributed only to epical heroes.

The train slowed down as it pulled into the station and Subedar Sushant picked up his bags to alight

“It was nice meeting you sir”

Vivek fumbled with the handshake. This was the hand that hadclimbed mountains, pressed the trigger and hoisted the tricolor.

Suddenly as if by impulse he stood at attention, and his right hand went up in an impromptu salute.

It was the least he felt he could do for the country.

PS: The incident he narrates during the capture of Peak 4875 is a true life incident during the Kargil war. Major Batra sacrificed his life while trying to save one of the men he commanded, as victory was within sight. For this and his various other acts of bravery he was posthumously awarded the Param Vir Chakra – the nation’s highest military award.

On googling, I found these links:
Captain Vikram Batra
Story on rediff.com
The same story on indiatimes

If somebody finds the original somewhere, please let me know. Thanks.

Irrespective of whether the location is her house or a common place ensure that you get enough privacy to talk to each other. By privacy, I mean, both of you should have the confidence that you will not be overheard. It is going to be the first ever conversation between you and your lifepartner, so ensure that it is just between the both of you. Small goof-ups to major blunders become part of folklore later. So, be 100% careful on that.

This reminds me of the scene in “Roja” where Arvindswamy is speaking to Madhoo’s elder sister where she refuses to marry him because she is in love with someone else. They are talking in the backyard of their house while she is mixing coffee and there is a group of old women sitting a few feet away. This group can see them but cannot hear them. And that is a nice situation too. This also tells us that we need not think of a closed space to talk privately, even a far enough space where we can be seen but not heard is also a possibility.

Once you have found yourself a space to speak safely and privately comes up the question of what to talk. If you have a certain checklist with you as to what you need to mention during your conversation it always helps so that you don’t miss out on something important. Before starting I find it convenient as well as it is considered good manners to offer the girl to speak first. If she has something in mind to speak then it is best that you build the conversation on that without really interrupting the flow of the conversation. And please don’t conclude that she is ‘dominating’ if she wishes to start the discussion. But in all probability, no girl will ever begin the discussion. More than their being unsure of what to speak they are interested in seeing what you have up your sleeve! But you would have earned brownie points for making her feel comfortable with the first words you spoke!

Whoever starts the discussion, a few obvious things that you have to know about each other include: family, education and work backgrounds. If there are any important commitments that become binding on the family after marriage then it needs to be atleast informed if not discussed in great detail. And anything else that you consider a must-know before making a decision should be told. It’s better you discuss as openly as possible.

And if this discussion is happening at her home, then please keep the snacks and UK away (UK = Upittu Kesari Bath or JBB (Jamun and Bisi Bele bath according to the comments section of Part I!) and that’s the name of this process in kannada slang!) while discussing if you are in anyway similar to me. I barely listen to the other person while eating. And my replies are generally concerning the dish being relished and that I have realised can put off people who are trying to have a conversation with you! Strange, huh?! Anyway, each person is different and to each his own, dish! ;)

Coming back to the topic, while telling her about yourself please refrain from giving technical details. If you are a BE from IIT, Madras, then let her feel it from the way you treat her. You don’t need to tell her that IIT Madras is among the top 3 engineering institutes in the country. If she doesn’t know she will find out or ask. Don’t bother her with boring details. If you own a Maruti Swift, good, but it is not necessary to tell her anything else but the colour. Once she comes to know that you bought a “Yellow” car it doesn’t really impress her if it is a 1300 cc V2 engine with power steering, central locking and airconditioning. Unless of course, she was your classmate during Mechanical engineering at IIT Madras! If you are a Veterinarian and she thinks that’s a variation of being vegetarian then there is an immediate need for clarification to avoid preparing a perfect case for divorce in the future. In a nutshell, share details wherever necessary.

This talk about family, work and education should, ideally, end within 5 to 10 minutes. Then the actual talk begins. Where you try to know each other as a person – likes, dislikes, hobbies, interests, favourite hangout places, friends, favourite personalities, outdoor activities, books, authors, general outlook about life (a bit philosophical and is to be used only if you are able to handle the subsequent discussion), etc. etc. This part should be the most interactive and lively part of the conversation and this more often than not decides the outcome. If this part of the discussion turns out to be soporific, then forget it. Both of you were either not in the mood to talk to each other or you were absolutely a mismatch in the first place. So, try giving it another chance and maybe say you would like to speak some other day again. I know that will be frowned upon but later you will also be understood. There is no compulsion in this world that you need to decide within half an hour of seeing each other. You can take as much time as you want, so be cool and take your time.

Now comes the actual question of how to decide. There is no golden rule for this. If I had one I would be God. People entering this situation with a list of specifications can easily see that their list is as useless as a worthless trinket. Once you speak to the person you find that there is so much more to him/ her that you can value than just those things on your list. Some people, I know, went with ‘presentability’ as one of their criteria. I don’t think I need to elaborate on what the catch is with this criterion. If she becomes fat and ugly later on, what then? (Did I hear someone say “Like you adi?!”. I might be fat and ugly now, *Background laughter*, but then I might become thin and handsome in the future too. *Background laughter gets louder*)

One thing you can definitely base your decision is on the flow of discussion. The comfort level that you developed during the discussion – this could be a dicey thing to do considering the possibility of dealing with a introvertish person. For example, I faced this situation and you need gems like me to identify the hidden diamonds! :D Her answers to your so-called difficult questions. I had one when I was looking and that was, “How comfortable are you moving out of [city name]?”. [City name] was defined as the one in which she was staying with her parents since birth. Okay I know that this is not a very dangerous question and can be easily handled and all that. It is the response that will give you an instant pulse of how she will react to unexpected questions.

Some people are experts at reading body language. Right or wrong or whatever it is one of the techniques you apply if you believe your analysis. Similarly there are various other things that people do before taking a decision. Talking to other people who have also seen the girl with you and understand what they know about the girl. Speaking to a few common friends, if any. Trust your intuition. It works. Read this book for further details.

Please do not resort to double-checking what the girl has told. It becomes a comedy of contradictions then. If there is anything you doubt or want a clarification – please call/ visit (another opportunity to see her!) girl or her parents directly and ask. Don’t go about secretly checking up!

This worked for me, so I am suggesting it might work for you too. But there might be cases where the whole thing fails. So be cautious. I am sure you can devise a better strategy than what I did. And whatever you do, please let me know too. All the best!

PS: Thanks s.b. for suggesting the change in the title. I think this makes more sense now! :)

First things first:

This is not a search for a commodity where you go with a list of specifications in the market and find it. It is a search for yourself. Unless you know what kind of a person you are, you cannot and will never end this search easily (or worse might end up on the wrong one).

Talk to people you are close to and ask what kind of a girl they think will be right for you. Though they are speaking about the girl they are indirectly telling you what kind of a person you are. Instead of taking their ideas at face value, analyse what they have said and why they have said so. It will help you get a clear idea of what others think about you. And it is possible that your future lifepartner also thinks about you in the same way. Getting an idea about yourself is the key in getting this process right. Once you sort this out, the rest is just a matter of luck and time.

Let the elders do the matching and stuff. Don’t get in at that stage. The elders feel it is their ‘duty’ to it and wouldn’t quite apprecite your opinions at that stage. They will match your’s and your future lifepartner’s horoscopes, planetary positions, families, social status, caste, height, age, lucky numbers, lucky stones, etc. and then arrive at a shortlist of applications. It is not advisable to get involved in this process if you are even slightly idealistic. Just wait for the output which will be in the form of a Government file containing the profiles and photos (sad, but true) alongwith an appointment list. All you have to do is to be at the prefixed place at the prefixed time (that is fixed, auspicious and all that you see!).

Here comes in my philosophy. Invite the girl (and her parents too, if they want to come along) to a common place (where you can get some private space to talk to each other) and meet them there along with or without (varies from case to case) your parents. If her parents are coming, it’s better to take yours along too. Tell the parents that both of you will need some private space to talk and also maybe half an hour to one hour of time together. During which time they can avoid getting bored by talking to each other.

Why should you invite the girl outside her home against the traditional style of going to her house?
I consider this (going to her house) as a sign of a male-dominated society.

I understand that sometimes family pressurizes you to go and you wouldn’t like to create a scene. Try consciously to avoid being judgemental about the house and all the other things mentioned here. If any elder tries to act smart, reign them in by saying, “Let me talk to her first please”. Be polite, be firm. Let them know you will make the decision only after you speak with her and not on circumstancial evidence.

The next part will handle: what to talk, how to talk, what not to talk, how to end and how to decide.

As long as things don’t affect me I am not bothered because those are their beliefs and they are entitled to have them. Like my friend Anand Balaji once said (A Voltairian quote), “I might not agree with what you have to say. But I will die for your right to say it”, I extend the same logic to “beliefs”. “I might not believe in what you believe. But I will die for your right to believe in what you want. Kindly keep those beliefs to yourself and don’t affect lives around you”

Here is a list of popular things I came across that clash with normal sensibility. And before I proceed, I must apologize to my friend Shastri, for once fighting with him on my sensible assumption that “there are a few of these things that actually have scientific basis”.    

1. My tata had passed away a few hours ago. We were in deep grief. My brother and I decided we get some dinner for those who want to eat. You are not supposed to light the stove when someone passes away in your house (#1). So, we had to go outside and get something packed for the people. We had just started eating (each one was in the mood to have a max of 2 idlis or something, that’s all) and the phone rang. It was one of my relatives. I told them that we were having dinner and that she could call later. Instantly a few elders pounced on me. You are not supposed to say you are having dinner when someone passes away in your house (#2).
2. My wife was having pains in the morning of April 3rd. We visited a doctor who asked us to get her admitted in the hospital, but did not specify when the delivery would happen. So, an elder suggested that we go home and just freshen up and leave. It was 8.45AM then. If she had stopped with that I would have been really impressed with her ability to think practically. But she added the next sentence which really tested my patience. “From 9:00AM to 10.30AM is rahukaalam. We shall leave home only after that”. You are not supposed to step out of your house during rahukaalam. (#3) I was surprised I didn’t shout. Here, we have a lady suffering from pain and was on the brink of delivery and we have someone telling me about rahukaalam. I haven’t yet come across anything more ridiculously impractical way of looking at life. But somehow we convinced the elder to take my wife to hospital before 9.00AM itself without freshening up. My wife was in the labour room at 10.45AM!  
3. Once a baby is born in your house, you are not supposed to visit anyone’s house for 20 days from date of birth! (#4) Take that!
4. If you go to some place on Day 1, you are not supposed to leave from that place on Day 9. (#5) Day 8 is great, Day 10 is also fine. Day 9 committed some murder I guess!
5. If my wife goes to her parents’ place and stays overnight on Monday night or Friday night (I aint sure if this is Thursday or Friday! As if it matters! To me that is! ), she is not allowed to come back home on Tuesday and Saturday (#6). Bad days, can’t you figure that out?! Poor you! :(  
6. The train was at 6.10PM. The station was a half an hour’s drive from home – 45 minutes at peak traffic. So, when will you leave? 5PM earliest? 4.45PM? Ok. But what if raahukalam is from 4.30PM to 6.00PM? You leave at 4.15PM, reach station at 4.35PM and count the number of doors and windows on the trains in the adjacent platform because your train wouldn’t have yet arrived on your platform! So much for being early! 

There are many more such things. I will keep updating this list as and when I come across more such stuff. If you have anything, please let me know. Will be great to discuss.  

My problem is not that people believe in such inane things. My problem is when it starts affecting the life you are living and the way you want to live it. Let people go to hell with their beliefs. I may be insensitive as that shows but the brandname “arrogant” that you get when you try telling people what you think about it is worse!

It is mainly fear that drives people who live by such superstitions. It’s a pity that even well-educated people fall into such traps. I will say it again to end this post, “I might not believe in what you believe. But I will die for your right to believe in what you want. Kindly keep those beliefs to yourself and don’t affect lives around you”

PS: This doesn’t mean I disrespect my elders and all that. Just that sometimes they transcend my idea of sense and sensibility and I disagree with them.

Mysore will become another silicon valley and lose its identity :), im pretty sure.

Chennai retains its identity because the labour working in IT firms is largely frm in and around TN, and chennai has close connections with TN, culturally speaking, chennai is an overgrown village. if mysore doesnt have roots with karnataka and workers don come frm the state, then Mysore will lose its identity just like blore :)

I replied:

Mysore will become another silicon valley and lose its identity :), im pretty sure.
I can never be that cynical about Mysore for sure! And would love to disagree but I don’t have the benefit of foresight! I hope I can come back one day and tell you, “Ha ha Vatsan, see that?! That’s my Mysore!”

Chennai retains its identity because the labour working in IT firms is largely frm in and around TN,
I agree with this. But there is a large crowd from outside TN in Chennai. A bad example to prove my point would be the successful running of all hindi and telugu movies in TN. Let me see if I can get my figures about non-TN population in Chennai from somewhere.

and chennai has close connections with TN, culturally speaking, chennai is an overgrown village.
Absolutely right! Totally agree! I keep saying the same thing to lot of people!

if mysore doesnt have roots with karnataka and workers don come frm the state, then Mysore will lose its identity just like blore :)
I can’t make sense of this statement. Do you mean to say that B’lore is the capital of the state with which it has no roots? Doesn’t that sound absurd? I am sure you can rephrase this so that I can understand better.

Vatsan clarified:

…in chennai there is a 30% telugu population, and a huge marwari population, even before the IT boom, who are an integral part of the city. they managed to blend in and assimlate with the city, i doubt if mysore, or blore for tht matter has such a diverse population, before the boom. in blore for instance there was a sudden influx of diverse people, who refuse to assimilate the local culture, then the city lost its identity. chennai is already diverse so it wasnt a huge issue, and as long as other assimilate the local culture, they will be absorbed into chennai. visit parrys corner to chk out the marwaris in chennai.

what i meant is tht blore is the capital, but then it should have strong ties with the village, which i don see it does have therefore when kannidigas frm the state flock blore, they will change the culture. likewise with mysore. if the average mysorean can relate the the rural lifestyle, then with an influx of people from rural areas working in IT wnot change the culture. but if not, then it is a problem.

I said: 

You are making extremely valid statements. I agree with you that the sub-sets of diversity in a city’s culture should get assimilated in an overall culture that the city already has.

Rural and the city cultures need to assimilate into each other to form an unique culture representing the region. Chennai has it and you are right.

But I am not sure if we can attribute this alone as the reason for the “identity-crisis” that Bangalore is facing or like you say “Mysore will face”. 

What are the other reasons? Why do cities like Bangalore face an identity crisis? Why should native kannadigas fight for their language to be spoken in their own land? Wasn’t the partition of states done on the basis of language spoken? Then why these issues now? If you can’t speak the native language of the state you are in, then you ought to atleast learn to live with it.

Let me know what you think.

Our security personnel stood their ground against these terrorists and killed all of them. But not before sacrificing eight lives to prevent the heart of our democracy from being attacked (or God knows what was on their mind!)! The martyrs were soon forgotten after giving them a few notes of paper and one piece of metal (no, that’s not a typo error!) each.

The investigations took place. It was concluded that the mega event was well-planned and excecuted. The main guy who planned the event and managed the back-end was found to be Mr. Mohammed Afzal (bloody traitor!). Quite surprisingly, within 5 years he was caught, booked and convicted by the Indian judiciary.

Then began the drama. J&K politicians threatened that J&K would go up in flames if he (Mohd. Afzal) was hung to death. Did you know of a society called “Society for Protection of Prisoners and detainees”?! Arundhati Roy (for whom I had a little respect till now) and other people got together and said, ”the case is filled with incomplete evidence and that Afzal wasn’t given a fair trial”. Some people went into the most fundamental issue: “Why should we hang someone at all? Who are we to end the life of a person?”.

Arundhati Roy, on the face of it looks like, is making a lot of valuable points. You can check her questions (she has exactly 13 questions since it was 13th December, clearly she isn’t superstitious!) here. You can watch the unedited footage of the attack here, here, here and here. Also, Jawed Naqvi (columnist of “The Dawn”)  in a TV interview with CNN IBN said that the media has considerably swayed public opinion in this case and that’s what has in fact brought Md. Afzal to this state. You can read that interview here.

After all this, I realise that even my opinion is purely based on what the media says. And on deeper analysis, I found that I didn’t have access either to the courts that were hearing Afzal’s case or to his lawyers or the prosecution lawyers. So, I was supposed to watch the television, listen to the radio (more of FM junk nowadays than anything else), read the newspapers and arrive at my own conclusions. Even then, those conclusions will be based on “media” as such! So, what is Mr. Jawed Naqvi talking about?

I believe in my country’s judicial system. It might take its own sweet time in getting things done, but that’s the way the system is. If you want to change it and know how to, then go ahead and do it. But then, please don’t keep shouting till your throats dry up about how “useful” it is. Today, it has convicted Md. Afzal. And what do we do? Instead of welcoming the decision and hanging him to death (I believe that our country’s lawyers would have done the best they could have to produce conclusive evidence for the same) we ask for sympathy for Afzal and clemency and what not! And I guess, our president is waiting for his term to get over so that his successor takes this decision and subsequently face the music himself. Good thinking I must say!  

Afzal has been found guilty by all the courts in the hierarchy leading upto the Supreme Court. The consistency should be respected atleast if not anything else! He has admitted guilt on camera too. His brother assured CNN IBN that he was a terrorist. For me, as a layman, it looks like he is definitely guilty. For every point there might a counter-point and arguments, but then my opinion is that he should be hanged to death. The mistake he has committed is grave enough to deserve the ultimate punishment. And unfortunately, it is not the first time he has been found guilty of betraying his own country!      

People have various ways of looking at relationships. Some people like categorizing relationships on basis of blood and otherwise meaning: family and friends. Some say relationships are strong or weak; close or far; “childhood friends” or “hi-bye friends”; so on and so forth. Categorizing makes for easy handling of this vast in-depth subject. And in most circumstances, the best way of handling it is through categorizing them relevantly.

A relationship is an equation between two people. The equation gets formed when the two start communicating. It can be through any mode of communication. Even just meeting of eyes is sometimes the beginning of a relationship. But then, no communication no relationship. Sometimes communication might happen, yet there might be no relationship. I don’t think such a situation is possible at all. Once I have communicated, I might not be thinking about it, but there is a relationship that has been initiated. I might not be aware of it.

As a person we are playing different roles. No, not the kinds shown by Aamir Khan in the toyota ad! With my wife, I am playing the husband’s role. With my younger brother, I am playing the elder brother’s role. And many others. Not that I am playing them consciously, it’s just that it happens. But there are states of mind that I get into while communicating in each role. These mind-states maybe different for each role. But they might not be unique.

Now, when I am in these mind-states the other person is also in these mind states only. I know I am talking on a very vague level, but let me say that there are 4 mind states (It can be 100 also). M1 to M4. Both the persons A & B are communicating from one of these mind-states. Say A is from M1 and B is in M3. If A & B know the mind-states that each other are communicating from, then fine. Otherwise, is where the problem arises from.

And to understand which Mind-state the other person is operating from, constant communication is necessary. Since every person is changing his mind-states constantly, it is necessary to understand the pattern of change also. Once we understand all these then the relationship will be a smooth one. For this, communication is a core necessity. Remember, no communication no relationship!

And yeah the way to solve the problems in relationships is to identify the mind-states properly and responding appropriately. That should put an end to all problems!

Wow Adi is so brilliant! Some stupid theory I have, I keep raving and ranting about it. I know this is very similar to the parent, child, adult egos of the ‘transactional analysis’ theory, probably this is my way of understanding that theory. I just wrote it and realised that it is very similar to the original TA theory. It’s the same “I’m okay, You’ re okay” theory.

Well, though I will be laughed at for trying to copy some well-known theory, let me state that I typed it as it came to my mind. And even though I found that it can be accused of plagiarism, I am going ahead with posting it. That’s because if even one person who reads this article, develops an interest in the TA theory then I would have emerged victorious.